I was intrigued by the title of a recent webinar taught by Eryn Kalish of Workplace Connections: "A Manager's Guide to the Emotional Workplace". Priding myself for being more of a "no nonsense" kind of person, I chose to watch this session knowing that I probably needed help dealing with my more "emotional" colleagues; or, perhaps I thought it might help me to show some emotion in difficult situations. Whatever the true motivation, I found the webinar very beneficial on several fronts.
I was encouraged from the very beginning by a statement Kalish made about the desire to use the energy of conflict to release positive energy for managing the situation. How to turn negative feelings into positive results is a challenge every manager faces. While this is a noteworthy goal, our tendency as managers trends in the opposite direction with the word "avoidance". We have two choices to make when faced with a problem: 1. Take action, or 2. Avoid it. The result of choosing the second option is that what began as a small or manageable problem will grow and return again. If avoidance continues to be the reaction on our part, the once small then larger problem grows into a full-blown crisis.
When faced with a true crisis, the wimpy manager now is forced to take action, but it usually ends up being a quick, unilateral decision that is a poor solution to the problem and damages relationships. When I saw this diagram on the screen and heard the speaker sharing the above process, I saw many real-life scenarios on the computer screen of my brain. I could do nothing by agree with her assessment and wanted to hear her solutions.
When dealing with intense feelings at work, most people do one of three things: fight, flight or freeze. Our speaker, however, gave another more positive response -- feel and deal! I liked the deal part, but was now open to learn about the feel side. While myself and some others I know (no names named) have a tendency to do the dealing by sticking with the facts and trying to use objective reasoning, I could also make a list of managers I know who swing to using their feelings and show so much empathy with the person in question that they give less than objective credibility to their side of the problem.
What I learned was that we can and should show empathy without agreeing with the other person's position. I acknowledge their feelings and thus give them value, but I don't place a right or wrong judgement on them. In doing this, I decrease the tension by showing that I understand and make room for us to work together to find a positive solution to the issue at hand. There is a fine balance, however, in acknowledging their feelings and analyzing them. In the optimum setting, a good manager will express his own feelings and not bring up those of the other person. This statement was a good example: "I am concerned that I did not handle the feedback well and nervous that you quit" (This is after an employee has stomped out of the room over a confrontation). Though I didn't like the word "nervous", I got the idea of deflecting and keeping the tension down by talking about my feelings first.
Emotions are a part of life, and we cannot help but see them in the workplace. Addressing them effectively is key to being a good manager and a worthy personal goal for 2014.
